the beginning of goodbye, april 26th 2009

i felt it in the silence between us that night, hovering over us like a dark storm cloud, warning me of the sadness about to unfurl. i felt it in every electrically dead moment. the distance in your voice when you'd break the silence, the cold rigor mortis in your hand when you reached for mine - the things that once made my heart race now just felt like the motions of a young couple falling out of love. it cut even deeper with every empty look emanating from your eyes. you felt so far away from me, farther than you'd ever been before and i could feel the tears welling up from inside of me. i tried to ignore it, but my stomach started churning and my head started throbbing and i knew, in that moment, there wasn't anything i could do to stop it. i was helpless.

but nonetheless, we carried out our duties as a couple still in love: a nice dinner, a night at the movies, a quick endearing kiss in the parking lot - i had almost begun ot think that maybe i was overreacting; maybe we could salvage things. we loved each other, after all and love conquers all - or so i've been told. but on the way back to your apartment, i still felt the space growing between us and all of my doubts resurfaced. the silence in the car was deafening. i sat there, analyzing every little detail since we first met, trying to figure out how we got to this place, but nothing added up. and overnight it seems, we turned into strangers. i was still trying to fight back the tears but they just kept on coming, a faucet left on, showing no signs of stopping. every second was exhausting, painful even. i was struggling, trying to find some air. i sat, trying to memorize my surroundings, trying to focus on anything but how i felt.

you offered me your hand and instead of finding comfort, i felt that if i moved the slightest inch, it'd all come crashing down. so i held my breath, closed my eyes and just told you i'd be fine and i almost believed it.