it took me forever to fall asleep last night. i tossed and turned back and forth relentlessly, mercilessly willing my brain to sleep. i tried counting sheep. i tried reading a boring book. i tried watching cnn. these desperate pleas, all to no avail. i pulled up my curtain and stared into the night sky, even at 3am, in complete darkness, i could feel its beauty. the warm summer air filling my lungs, i laid back down, closed my eyes and muttered a final plea, but again, my senses failed me. suddeny, i felt the warm summer air turn to crisp autumn air, the beautiful calm night sky suddenly filled with harsh storm clouds. a loud crash of thunder and a bright blast of lightning and then a sudden onset of torrential downpour. i started crying, finally, i found the release i had been looking for. i closed my eyes and drifted into dreamland.
when i awoke, instead of feeling calm and rested, i felt as if i had sunk even lower. i had a dream - about HIM. it's been months since i last dreamt about him and yet, there he was, plain as day. as real as he'd ever been. i woke up, reaching out for him, calling out for him, as if these last two years without him were just a bad dream. i couldn't understand why my mind revisited this painful slew of memories, but i sincerely wished it didn't. but the ever optimist in me snapped back, "maybe there's something left open. maybe you still need closure about all of this. maybe there's some lesson to gain from this.."
or maybe.. my heart just likes to fuck with me.
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